downhill

i know i keep saying this, but it’s hard to know what is happening.

really, truly what is happening. so many things are true at once. and so many people are so many things at once. and it is so rare to be just one thing, at one time, doing one thing, at one time. and there is no recipe to make it happen. no “3 easy steps”. every once in a while, i just notice. 

On the 16th I got to ride my bicycle (her name is PowPow) downhill after sumitting a small pass. 13 miles to go after riding 42.  My friend Trina in front of me, my friend Nik behind. We laughed so hard at lunch our stomachs hurt. The sap from old growth firs, bloated from spring rain, evaporating up in sweet perfumey clouds. roiling green rivers and three bicycles all moving downhill. toward the ocean. along with 2000 or so others “reaching the beach” as a benefit for the american lung association. 

for a second i saw the whole length of this year. like a silver thread. here i am moving. my body in its stupid bliss, happy.  i am managing the road, the air. i don’t want the ride to end. and then i think, i am here. i am still here. after a year. and i am not just hanging on, i am moving. i am laughing.  i am on a hill with people who are helping me through this ride. people who would help me through anything. And there are so many more who have helped me through this whole year. i feel like i belong to the people in my life. . and it is a surprisingly comforting feeling. to surrender to the the imperfect family. 

that was what was happening. just then. just that. 

here’s some pictures:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/valgarrison/sets/72157618969766156/

today i go camping for a couple days. 

treatment every three weeks. trauma every 3 months or so when they scan me and scare me. the rest is this interesting exercise in noticing.