The latest round of chemo has rendered me uncarbonated. Hardly any pain at all, just not a lot of gumption. I would not say i feel effervescent at this stage.
It’s a little like having small people dangling off your arms and knees who mildly complain of all the movement. Each is asking for a different sort of treat. Left knee wants chocolate and right hand wants to know, if it isn’t too much trouble, if there isn’t some sort of sprinkler available.
I am reminding myself that this is a pathway. A traveling experience. Each chemo is a little different than the last. Each has its transient side effects with some weird variations. Do not blow your nose too hard is a good rule for all of us to live by I think.
So I go away. To this very disconnected place. And this is one of my least favorite places. Free-floating. I follow my body. And I am practicing going. I am practicing not resisting the tiredness. It is okay to be tired now. I can come back. My body receives and loves this chemo and lets it disassemble the cancer. This is the place i need to go.
And still, from here it is not so bad. I am still able to see out across space. From the street to the tree. I get to hear secrets from friends. I am able to think (mostly, sometimes). To walk the dog down the block. To smell the rockrose in the backyard. To notice a little bit about this strange journey. Take note of interesting sensation. Observe. I will pack a toothbrush next time.
And then I get to practice coming back. From this place. In moments and more and more over time. I get to come back. To my body. To this awareness. To the joy of strength. I will have my notes with me. Remind myself of where i have gone. I get to travel. A fascinating opportunity.
When there is time, however. when there is a moment this summer, I would very much like to go camping. In the forest that smells like itself. In a tent. With a bit of coffee. And some nuts in bags. With friends who tell jokes and bring cards. I hope to leave the little people behind. Forget they ever existed for a moment.
I’d love to go camping with you. I have coffee, cards, and a camp stove. Not too long ago a few of us went camping up in WA @ some campsite in the Gifford Pinchot, and if I remember correctly it wasn’t booked up too far in advance…