the irritating anomoly

Last May, days before i was diagnosed, Deborah and I had finally come to the conclusion that our complicated lovely relationship could best evolve if we were no longer living together.

you may be thinking that what we mean is breaking up. and i must tell you now that we have always been a bit difficult to understand. insisting on anomaly can be very irritating to those around you. i have long introduced her as “the excellent person with whom i affiliate.”  but i believe so deeply in the power of language. the power of myth. the power to create a shared world with a shared language. the story we are telling ourselves has a lot to do with the life we are living. and so when I say that we are evolving this relationship, we are learning to love each other better, we are family, i mean those things. and because we share this intention and share a commitment to truth and kindness, it is happening. like a miracle. a leap of faith.

After the diagnosis we decided to abandon the separation plan and just deal with cancer. that is not as fun as it sounds.  because after a while, even when you have a Life Threatening Illness, you still need to live. living is still itself. you can’t hold your breath for more than a minute. we still had to evolve, still had to acknowledge the itch to move in different  ways in the world. rediscover ourselves. it is embracing life in all its complications.  not hunkering down, although that was our first instinct.

that she is still there, will still take care of me when i need it, will walk with me on this very hairy path is expanding what i know of love. i see her anew.  after 10 years. she is her own lovely creature. and the truth is light and air between us. it is hard to fathom, but if anything she is funnier than ever.

yesterday i moved (with a great deal of fantastic help) a portion of my belongings to my friend Cynthia’s downstairs apartment. it is lavish living with borrowed and new furniture, new decorations and my own little space. to think. to live. the next thing. i am not waiting to die. comfort will not save us.

Deborah helped me pack. insisted i take the cool brown chair, went to Ikea with me for accent pieces (red is good) and measured the windows for new curtains.  it is sad and awful and exciting. i will miss this house. this way of life. but i am learning new exciting things about love. about faith in life. stepping forward. i am so grateful to have such a fabulous partner in the adventure.