we continue

Good news: Val’s most recent scan results (scan was last Friday, results shared Tuesday) showed something approximating stability. We had the scan done too early in the treatment cycle to corroborate with the study protocols, so they’ll do another scan at the end of this cycle in a couple weeks. With the oncologist we had decided to move the scan up in response to some worrying symptoms Val has been having (wheezier breathing, coughing up blood). We have grown flinchingly accustomed to the flat, grim word “progression.” So the results this week were a total and welcome surprise: “overall stability”! Specifically, the scan showed very little measurable growth since the last scan — just a few nodules have grown “the width of an eyelash.” And one nodule showed necrosis (cell death) in its interior. This is good. This means Navelbine is, for now, having some kind of effect. This means we continue.

What this also means is that Val gets to keep feeling all-over achy, exhausted and crappy for the forseeable future. I’ve had moments this week where my gratitude and amazement for this stability-for-now have been giddily great. Other times it feels like our slow free-falling is just paused in that old holding pattern of worry and bodily misery. It is hard watching her quietly weather the pain day after day. With the beginning of the rain last week, there have been grace notes: Val’s breathing seems to have eased somewhat, and she is coughing less.

As I have been learning myself these last few years, there is no way around it: we go where the body goes. When the body is in pain, it is hard to feel present, joyful, vivid, like oneself. This has been a hard year on Val’s body and sweet self. It is my hope that we can find ways to bank cancer’s embers low enough that Val’s joy in body can rise again.

Love to all,

Deborah