…I knew what she was talking about. It was the urban stride, the don’t-mess-with-me stride, the all-right-world, here-I-come stride we had learned in self-defense classes and on the streets of the cities where we lived…
cancer
the tedium of amorphous anxiety
Vicissitudes of the last few weeks (for those who wish to experience vicariously, in shorthand, the tedium of amorphous anxiety): For several weeks Val has had, off and on, some inexplicable waves of odd fatigue. Sinus infection? Allergies? Hormonal shifts as her body continues to rebound from last year’s chemo? Continue Reading
uplift
I have just returned from a week in Carbondale, Illinois, where I was serving as pit crew for my fabulous glassblowing sister’s MFA thesis show, which was spectacular. While I was away Val met with the doctor and called me with this uplifting news: The CT scan last week shows Continue Reading
preliminary results
Fantastic: The PET scan showed no new hot spots. Cancer is NOT rekindling. Disappointing: The two remaining, shrunken tumors are not yet dead. In a preliminary report, the PET scan technician (or whoever phones over the preliminary info) says the scan shows “residual disease” in two already-known spots, which we Continue Reading
finding your way in cancerland
It’s a funny thing: Suddenly everyone we know knows someone newly diagnosed with cancer. Maybe this was happening all around us before we entered cancerland, back when we were unscathed, back before we spoke the language. Back in the Old Country. Now somehow we’ve become greeters here. It seems that Continue Reading
Magic 8 Ball
About a week ahead of time, the CT scan makes itself felt on my horizon. It’s a small white noise in the back of my brain, Val’s too I think, more buzzy the closer it gets. Nowadays, in between doctor moments, sometimes we can just have a day. Sometimes several. Continue Reading
new idea
Yesterday we got the CT scan results. (The CT scan was Monday.) The tumor is slightly smaller. And then the doctor made an astonishing statement. Her (unproven) diagnostic hypothesis is that the tumor has died. that i am merely harboring the lifeless carcass of a once-great hunk of cancer.  An Continue Reading
indecision and hilarity
i read the obituaries every day. i have for years. i try to take note of all the people disappearing. snatched out of place. this place where we live. this valley of land near the criss-crossing rivers, watched over by a sharp volcano. buildings, boats and freeway exchanges keep us Continue Reading
Bad Arc
As Deborah has said, this is a roller coaster. This is a manic-depressive way of going at life. My friend Cosmic Patti said it is shooting the rapids. There is calm and then not so calm. I want it to be a single story. A nice arc. Like shooting a Continue Reading
i know you are but where am i?
Yeah. So here’s the thing. i know, again with “the thing,” but i have cancer so you have to listen to me as if i had a seat on buddha’s straight talk express. anyhow, the thing is- regaining consciousness does a not-so-suble reset of the presumption system. somehow i thought Continue Reading