Yeah. So here’s the thing.
i know, again with “the thing,” but i have cancer so you have to listen to me as if i had a seat on buddha’s straight talk express.
anyhow, the thing is- regaining consciousness does a not-so-suble reset of the presumption system. somehow i thought that will pulsed through my body, making me sit and walk and eat and what not. it is not will. it is blood. and when you don’t have enough your body stops letting you be aware of the thing actually happening. instead maybe you get a little story program with vivid colors and happy interesting people planning fun in a green field.
as i passed out i saw a star field morph out of the ER floor. then nothing. then the vague happy place with the interesting people then big moon heads (later identified as deborah and nurse guy) saying “val? val? stay with us val”. and the first feeling is like suddenly realizing you are sans pants. oh- wait- i’m actually not in the field. i’m in the hospital. stupid stupid stupid. then the look of fear on deborah’s face reminds me of the last time i passed out on the bathroom floor several years ago. oh shit. sorry.
they load me onto a gurney. sorry deborah.
i feel better now. really.
special note to people feeling light headed: feet up- head down!
it is such a special not-in-control feeling. where my body goes i follow so willingly. not like the movies where we overcome our bodies with hard, well-muscled minds. and it scared me. and it scared deborah. and there we were scared. and i tried to make a couple jokes to not be scared but that was worse. so then we were scared for a while and then less so.
and then there was the long day of maintaining vigilance against the fascinatingly incompetent nurse, receiving some fluid bits from an anonymous A-positive person, and laughing laughing laughing with lovely friends who thankfully didn’t have to work on friday. and a beautiful dinner prepared in front of our very eyes by a very interesting lovely friend.
today is so beautiful. i am a little sore and a little dazed. but so happy to be out in the light and air. to walk the dog. to eat a good apple.
i am not in control today. it is not my will or vigilance that makes me go. it is some crazy stroke of luck. some hilarious conspiracy of grace and circumstance.
and i am here. right here. my body pretending that it never tripped the breaker, that yesterday never happened.
so scary – so awful to go through all that. I’m so glad that yesterday was better, that all those people did what they did (from you, to Deborah, to all the friends, to the nurse) to take care, to care for you, care for your body as it fights and heals.
so now it’s the middle of the night your time, and the ripple of that experience has reached me with your words (though I admit you were on my mind, as I stared at the sky last week and wondered how the chemo recovery was going) and it is terrifying and I am so grateful, and damn I miss you.