More jottings from my grief journals. 1/13/14 R asked me about the term “bucket,” and Val using it as an endearment. Here’s what I told her: To be honest I am not sure where she got it. But it seemed to spring up a few years into my knowing her Continue Reading
grief
pieces-parts: December
More jottings from my grief journals. 12/8/13 I am not so easily overset as I was. My cup is no longer full-up, sloshing, to the brim. So I am not constantly spilling over at the merest additional drop. On the other hand, I am able to push real recognition away. Continue Reading
pieces-parts: October-November
More jottings from my grief journals this fall. Writing, talking about it feels like rooting around, scratching out a depression in the earth, trying to make a place to fit myself and curl up. * OCTOBER PIECES-PARTS “How are you?” (early October) I went to a large event with a Continue Reading
pieces-parts: September
I wrote about living with grief this summer. I’ve been jotting down what I could throughout the fall, too. I haven’t been able to shape it into a whole essay yet — it’s more piecemeal, as the experience of my grief itself has become a little more piecemeal, the dough Continue Reading
an invitation
My dears, listen, this blog has so many days felt like a lifeline. Writing that – “lifeline” – I pictured, in quick proliferation: a towline, like with a mule on the Erie Canal; a muddy tug-of-war rope at some happy family picnic; an IV drip; the belaying line connecting mountaineers; Continue Reading
When I came into this room
When I came into this room, you were already here. When the fierce winds pushed me in, and the door slammed shut, you looked up from your tables of quiet fellowship and you greeted me. You know who you are. I knew who I was. Now I am becoming again. Continue Reading
rosehips
Four months ago today we lost our Val. I miss her all day, every day. The ache winds like a fugue-melody through the background of everything. The days are filled with things that don’t quite become real because I don’t get to show them to her. I wanted to show Continue Reading
time zones
noticing the strange ways of time this summer of grieving folding and expanding I might have seen the Northern Lights, once. I was on a walk late at night by myself in southern Indiana, when I looked up — I was always watching the sky — and saw my bright Continue Reading
how to coil a cord
An old friend called and left me a voicemail the other day. He said he’d been coiling up an extension cord and it called Val to mind, because of course he did it the way Val taught him: the way that lets the cord unwind again later without tangling. Val Continue Reading
the picture of the thing
My friends, I think I have a different face now. My eyes feel sad all the time. My face at rest is a sad face. When no one is looking I can feel my mouth sloping down at the corners like the limp slats of old window blinds. I can’t figure Continue Reading